My last speech in Moscow was recorded on an audiocassette, which I brought to Saint Petersburg and gave it to other people who were involved in our work in this city.
I also gave it to a young woman, a university student, who took classes arranged by one of my former students. Why did I give it to her? In order to stop her obsession with sex, because I saw an increase of this tendency in her.
From this audio record she learned that God gave people an opportunity to feel the joy of the harmony of sexual relationships and to develop subtlety, harmony, emotional love through this. Nevertheless, He also commanded: “Do not commit adultery!” — that is do not be obsessed with sex, do not make it the main thing in your life!
The reaction of this woman was completely unexpected to me: she felt so offended that she decided to take revenge on me. She spread slander about me among her friends in the group; this slander was so awful that afterwards I could not even repeat her words for a long time. She told them that I allegedly raped her…
Naturally I did not know about this deed of her.
I arranged in Saint Petersburg a meeting with the members of the School in order to tell them about the events in the Moscow Center and to discuss it.
In the morning of the day of the meeting, I went out from my flat with a heavy backpack with books. Suddenly on the first floor I was attacked from ambush. A two-meters-tall guy attacked me and knocked me down, giving me no chance to take off the backpack attached to my body with the waist straps. He demanded that I let him into my flat. I could not allow this: in the flat there was my mother with other old women. I managed to take off the backpack and punched him in the chin. He flew back to the wall and grasped at a radiator pipe. I could strike him again in the head but I did not do it: I am a very peaceful person and any violence is absolutely alien to me; with my first strike I just wanted to stop him and to save other people. I rang the doorbell of another flat and asked to call the police. He sprayed nerve gas at me, and my senseless body fell to the stone floor from a height of about 2 meters.
I came back to my senses after approximately ten minutes. My first thought was: “Has it really happened to me?!” I touched my head: luckily the head leaned against the wall when I fell down, otherwise I could have broken my skull. I stood up and went to my flat.
Soon, the police and medical emergency service came. The police began an investigation of the case.
And several days later… the organizer of this crime came to me. Full of pity for herself for being “so emotionally disturbed”, she told me about the reason for this attack… Her intellect was so primitive that she did not understand that she was subject to criminal responsibility for this deed!
… I did not want to take revenge. First, revengefulness is a quality too distant from Divinity. Second, I understood that since it happened, there must be a deep meaning behind this — a meaning for me. So, I began to think about how I could help these criminals to reform, to become better.
Having considered this situation, I decided not to tell the police the names of the criminals: it would be better for this student to finish university, and for all others it would be better to repent out of prison. I explained to the police officers that I wanted to bring these criminals to repentance instead of avenging myself. The policemen agreed: yes in prison the methods of education are ruder than yours…
In my intent with repentance I wanted to rely on the leader of their group; she was my former student and a good friend as I believed. When these events happened, she was out of the city and did not know about them. I sent a letter to her.
She came back, met her students-criminals, and… in her response-letter she justified them and slandered me…
I understood that she hated me because some time ago I was forced to dismiss her from studying because she was not able to go further…
And I never received from the members of this gang either apologies or gratitude for the freedom given to them.
… I remained with a concussion of the brain, broken teeth, swollen face resembling a giant cancer tumor, broken backbone which was swollen like a hump, broken ribs. I refused to go to the hospital and decided to rely on God, to wait for explanations from Him.
And He began to speak to me:
“You will be grateful to Me for this!
“It is Me Who punishes all criminals. You should not do it.
“Find calm and coziness in Me! The body should be nothing to you now! Why do you worry so much about it? There is God — everywhere and in everything! Everywhere! Do you understand?
“I give you My promise that it happened for the last time to you. Next time you will die to rise in God! In case of an attack, you have to accept death as your destiny. Remember about Me everywhere!
“Why do you attach so much importance to the body? Be in the universe! The body is nothing! You have to be ready to die anytime — so have no unfinished work on the Earth!
“It is Me who kills bodies when the time comes! It was Me who made harm to your body yesterday! And I will cause even more harm if you do not understand Me!
“There is almost no freedom of will for you! It was Me who ‘yielded’ you, so that you could become better, so that you could understand this! Accept it — and then I will have no reason to do it again!”
“Was I right when I struck him?”
“Yes, it was Me who struck him with your hand in order to stop him. He wanted too much.
“Don’t worry about your body! What is the body for you now? Death is a good end for you: the Eternity of life in God! Be ready to die every day!
“Remember: you have to become absolutely free from everything that holds you here on the Earth!
“We are developing a program for you of how you can act from my Abode while living in the body on the Earth.
“You can become the first person in this country to reach the goal of ideal dissolution in Me.”
“Will You teach me dematerialization of the body?”
“Yes, of course.
“And now — the happiness of being in Me has to become a foremost duty for you!”
“Tell me, what is the reason for bringing the body into You through dematerialization? After all, Krishna, Gautama Buddha, Babaji in Their last Incarnations — They all departed without performing dematerialization of the bodies.”
“The attachment to the body is the problem! You get rid of this attachment by striving to perform dematerialization. In this way — in this process — you merge with Me. But, in general, one can come to Me without dematerialization as well.
“Your main problem is your separateness. Be rid of it — and you will become Me! Be rid of it — and I will let you in without a problem! You will come in yourself! Come in!
“One cannot get rid of the separateness after the death of the body! In this case one has to incarnate again into a new body!
“You have cognized Me. And now there must remain only I for you!”
“Lord! What does one need to do to master dematerialization?”
“It is a difficult and complex process. First one has to prepare the body. Then with the help of special methods, one has to bring the consciousness to the state when it becomes capable of accepting the entire control which belonged to the body. After that, the consciousness becomes free.
“And then the consciousness has to find a new foundation for itself — God.
“As you know now, this is an extremely difficult process.
“And when the consciousness merges with God instead of with the body, then the goal is realized.
“Yet one intermediary process remains unfinished… One must not hurry in dealing with it. I will explain it to you later…
“… It is a pity that you have not managed to bring Me a bouquet of flowers from the Earth! But it is not your fault: such is the climate on the Earth now…
“… Your time on Earth comes to an end. You have reached the threshold after which there is only the sea of Divine Fire. Dematerialization of the body in it — this is the goal which I deem highest for man!
“There is only I! Become Me!
“And dissolve in Me all deserving people whom I bring to you!…”
* * *
Of course I thought about the personalities of these criminals.
What kind of people formed this “spiritual group”, which transformed into a criminal gang? And what did they study?
It was a case when a former instructor had no students given to her by God, yet she could not imagine for herself a social role other than being “a spiritual leader”.
Yes, she was taught spiritual knowledge, including serious methods of psychoenergetical work on places of power.
And she tried to teach her students this knowledge except for the most important thing — the ethical aspect. What kind of students did she accept? — anyone wishing to join her group. Her purpose was to be a leader among them.
Thus, one of her students was a man who could speak better by the fists rather than by the organs of speech, to whom violence was a quite natural state… Another student was a fat woman typical of our communistic past — an irritated person boiling with hatred towards anyone who dared to criticize her. I tried to dissuade her from psychoenergetical work, suggested to switch her to intellectual work but did not manage. She was the one who became the organizer and a participant of that crime… Another student was an egoistic, capricious, infantile woman… There were others like them…
Once I asked that fat woman: what spiritual practice did they study in their summer course? The only exercise she could recall and was delighted of was the following: one had to walk holding a coin between the buttocks… They called this exercise “geisha gait”…
But what does one need this gait for? Is it easier to enter the Heavenly Kingdom with a coin between the buttocks? Does God like us more for this? Does spiritual work really consist in this?
… I knew another exercise invented by this instructor. I saw it when I was present in the end of a class given by her. The students wagged their buttocks. They called it “wagging the tail”. In this way the group expressed gratitude to the instructor in the end of the class. And since they had no tails, they wagged the buttocks.
And I thought that they were engaged in religion…
* * *
Thus God explained to me that this was the only possibility to make me switch to a new way of life, to make me abandon my unceasing striving to care about the students, abandon the work to which I used to dedicate all my time. He explained that my further growth could continue only if I live the life of a monk-hermit with all attention directed only at Him — at the Creator, at the Highest and Ultimate Goal of every man.
I agreed with this reason. Yes, when you are on the top of the pyramid, it is hard to become detached from the entire pyramid: I felt myself one with my creation. And my love for its every element consisted not in an attachment to this particular element or wanting something from it — but in making the interests of the work more important than my own interests.
It is such an attitude that brings one to the dissolution in the object of one’s love, to the state when there is only the object of love and there is no me.
When such a love is directed towards the Creator — then its owner dissolves in Him, merges with Him, and becomes Him.
And God wanted this very thing from me.
But what was I to do with my body maimed and incapable to live? For four months after the attack, unceasing pain did not leave me. For example, how can one stand, sit, or lie if any movement of the backbone or simply a pressure on it causes severe pain?
For four months I dreamed about only one thing: to die sooner!
And God gave me such a possibility: He gave me the possibility to experience clinical death.
It happened due to an overdose of one of my medicines.
I suddenly experienced myself as a giant lump of white light high above the body. I felt that there remained a connection with the body, but after a few pendulum-like movements the connection with the body broke and I moved into the deep stratum of the Holy Spirit and merged with Him. It was very close to the Abode of the Creator, where I had been many times in meditations — it was just one step away. But I could not make this last step: after the death of the body one appears in that spatial dimension where he or she used to be during life in the body. I knew how to enter the Abode of the Creator, but it had not become a Home for me yet.
Yes, I found myself in deep Divine Love and Calm. But I aspired to God-the-Father rather than to the Holy Spirit!…
And I made super efforts to return from this desired death — back to the body filled with pain …
Later I had one more experience of death…
* * *
Months passed. I continued to learn, continued to master the role of a monk-hermit. And I continued to merge more closely with the Creator.
Eventually I achieved the state, though not firmly, which Jesus described with the following words: “I am in the Father, and the Father is in Me”.
Then God gave me a possibility to experience death again.
This time it happened against the background of a most acute pain in the backbone, summer heat, and extreme fatigue from medications.
I laid my body on the bed to have a rest — but suddenly I fell into the multidimensional depth of the Absolute. There was a sound of thunder like the one produced by an aircraft breaking the sound barrier. It seemed that this thunder was produced by a break of as if a membrane separating the Creation and the Creator. And I found myself in full Mergence with my Beloved…
… The next day the pain in my back disappeared, though no physiotherapy, ointments, or pranayamas could cure it. I was even confused: for seven months I used to live with pain.
… But suddenly I felt pain in the joint of the big toe of my foot. I recalled that I struck it in the wall of the room during sleep…
“Lord! Why did this happen?”
“Now you can’t go out from your home… Therefore, sit down and write a book!”
I sat down and wrote what you are reading now.
* * *
“You will be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with”, Jesus Christ said to His close disciples (Mark 10:39).
Thus ended my “Calvary” that I was coming to since my prayer in the Tretyakov Gallery.
The Lord helped many people through me. Then I was betrayed and executed by those whom I dedicated my life to, whom I helped and saved from hell.
I died two times and rose to life in the body again.
And as a result — I achieved Mergence with the Father.